


I'm lost without you

by Writingstuffs_09



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, jeongcheol - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 17:26:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14025096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writingstuffs_09/pseuds/Writingstuffs_09
Summary: Jeonghan is afraid of losing him, trying to conceal his insecurity end up losing Seungcheol for good.





	I'm lost without you

He’s been tossing around for hours now, yet, the other still hasn’t come back yet, Seungcheol who intended to go back early from work to at least have a dinner together with the younger welcomed by an empty apartment.   
The older sighed heavily seeing the dark apartment like almost no one’s ever lived there in the first place.   
After tossing around the bed, there’s an unlocked sound from the front door and he can hear Jeonghan’s footstep from the living room walking straight to their shared room, Seungcheol pretended to sleep and closed his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the expensive perfume that lingered from the younger it's almost as intoxicating as their relationship for months now.  
He heard Jeonghan went to the bathroom with pajamas on his hands, 10 minutes later the younger had already settled himself on the bed next to Seungcheol, the faint of expensive perfume was there, Seungcheol can feel his heart clench on every breath he took with the scent of too unfamiliar perfume that still there, on Jeonghan’s body, his Jeonghan.   
“Where have you been?” Seungcheol asked without turning his back to look at the younger, “Seokmin’s birthday party, Jihoon insisted to go out for some drinks,” the younger answered clearly tired. “It’s 2 AM, Hannie,” Seungcheol whines though he immediately regretted it cause he was just trying to suppress the annoyance of his boyfriend coming home late. “Don’t do that to me right now, if you’re going to be mad I’ve been coming home late, at least have the balls to look at me,” The younger spat out bitterly.   
Seungcheol sit up looking at the younger now, “I was just saying, It’s too late for you, and you didn’t even text me for coming home late,” Seungcheol softly answer since he’s trying to prevent further fighting. They’ve been fighting a lot, it’s small things, but it’s just that sometimes they always clash.   
Seungcheol has been trying to at least the ones who are trying to talk it out like how they used to but the younger just seem pissed off at everything that he did.   
“You always come home late and you also never bother to text me weren’t you?” At this point Jeonghan had enough of it, “You can do things all you want but I can’t?” He snorts, “Don’t be selfish Cheol, You’re a grown ass man, don’t whine at me just because I didn’t text you for coming home late when I never yelled at you for coming home late all the time,” He said in harsh breath as he slips into the bed and preparing to go to sleep, Seungcheol sit there watching Jeonghan’s back. Its true he’s been coming home late without words exchanged. but Seungcheol can’t help it when he knew something that maybe he shouldn’t know at all.   
Months, He didn’t know what’s wrong with himself to make his lover did it. He’s been trying to look at the flaws he has and fix it, he tried to cut his hair, dyed his hair, be a gentleman. but he didn’t know why he did it behind his back.   
it was on a cold November when Seungcheol about to surprise the younger at his office across their favorite cafe when they had been first dating. He knew how he’s been coming home late, he’s been letting work eating him and not often he even took it on Jeonghan. But that day, that’s when he saw them, his Jeonghan and another man wrapping his arms sweetly around Jeonghan’s waist, Seungcheol was so close to strangling the pretty guy who had his arms around his Jeonghan, but he didn’t have the heart to as he heard Jeonghan’s laugh, and how he smiled. That hit him hard, it’s been weeks they’ve been having a saturated point. Seungcheol realized he hardly can put that smile on his lover’s smile these past few weeks, and why did he now have the audacity to ruin Jeonghan’s happiness?   
and now It pained him so much that every time he comes home to Jeonghan he had to suppress the urge to cry his heart out, to scream at him “how could you”  
but after Jeonghan’s annoyance slurs and rage tonight he realized that night, it's not “how could you” to Jeonghan, but it was “how dare you” to himself to still prevent Jeonghan from his happiness. That night Seungcheol did not sleep when Jeonghan woke up without saying good morning or a peck on the cheek, the younger stand-up and went straight to the bathroom and take a shower. While doing so, Seungcheol at least wanted to take care of the younger again, he opened their shared wardrobe and prepared him his usual work clothes and a tie from Seungcheol as he rarely seen Jeonghan uses it anymore. After putting the clothes on the bed, Seungcheol walks his way through the kitchen trying to make breakfast for 2, but while tossing some bread Jeonghan has already walked out of their bedroom without his work clothes, only with his button-up t-shirt and ripped jeans, “You’re not going to work?” Seungcheol asks, the younger just briefly shook his head while typing through his phone, “I might come home late, don’t wait up,” he said without looking up as he left.   
When the door closed Seungcheol can feel his knees weaken by that, thousands of scenario played in his head, he’s probably having a date with him, he’s more happy with him, why are you holding him back, Seungcheol walked his way to their bathroom. he stared at himself in the mirror, the man in front of him is clearly not the same man he was proud of. He’s a mess, dark circles under his eyes the evidence of the paranoia of closing his eyes to see Jeonghan wrapped in someone else’s embrace, the sunken cheeks an evidence of the stress that got him. Feeling tired of all of it he walked to the bathtub next to the mirror and started to fill the bathtub with cold water.  
I won’t holding him back again If he’s Jeonghan happiness, I’ll let my Jeonghan go, besides whats the point If half of me is gone, how can I live as one? he sat in the tub with the cold water running. Tears streaming down his pale face, the water soon drowned his sobs and sadness. That morning Seungcheol left a letter, a box, and a heartbroken man.   
Joshua waited for the other patiently, it’s been weeks Jeonghan had drifted away from him lately, well it’s not like he’s ever been accepting his feelings but he was at least complies to every invitation he offered. He tried to buy him new gifts which Jeonghan would reject every time, he tried to ask him out on a date and he would always reply, “Seungcheol hasn’t home yet,” or “Oh, I need to take care of Seungcheol, he’s been stress lately,” They both know, Jeonghan nor Joshua know this is wrong, whatever they have is wrong, it was started when Jeeonghan feeling sad about how busy Seungcheol got lately, they started to go out as friends but it was on Junhui’s birthday that they had sex. The face that was written on Jeonghan’s face was like it was the end of the world, he scrambled around looking for his clothes with a pained look knowing what they both just had done. They promised they won’t tell anyone about what happened, so they still hang out like how they used to, with more skin ships, at first Jeonghan was not comfortable with it but from time to time he’s more fine with it, though, the sad eyes that always hope it was Seungcheol who’s there for him always there written on Jeonghan’s face. They seem happy, but Joshua could not help by how Jeonghan would faze off, thinking about Seungcheol, checking his phone for every 10 minutes. As Joshua was deep in his thought, Jeonghan had already approached him, “Hey,” He said, “Hi, ready?” Jeonghan just nods, they went to their cafe, no, not Joshua and Jeonghan’s but Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s, it's dumb that Joshua would always say yes to every plea Jeonghan asked. Joshua seems doesn’t mind being the ‘mistress’. On the other side, Jeonghan feel like he’s killing himself going out with Joshua all the time, it feels like he’s using him to have a safety net. he knew he could never love someone as much as he loves Seungcheol. He knew that no matter how many people trying to get to him it’ll always be Seungcheol. In the middle of his deep thoughts, Jeonghan got a call, it’s Minhyuk, his neighbor.   
“Hello?” Jeonghan picked up the phone, “Oh Jeonghan-ssi, It’s Minhyuk, I think you forgot to turn off the sink? or tub? I can hear water running down upstairs,” Jeonghan knitted his brows, “Isn’t Cheolie there?” Minhyuk on the other side just shook his head, “Hmm, I don’t think so, if he’s there he would close the sink,” Jeonghan sighs, “Alright, thank you Minhyuk-ssi” he hung up and try to call Seungcheol this time. Joshua just stares at him, “Hold on, shua, I need to take care of this,” Joshua just nod as he plays with his phone. He called Seungcheol 3rd time this time and he still hasn’t picked up, “Where’ is he,” He mutters, Joshua who coincidentally been texting Jihoon point out something that caught jeonghan off guard, “Jihoon said Seungcheol hasn’t shown up to work this morning,” Joenghan head snap, “W-What?” Jeonghan couldn’t contain the worry in his face nor voice, “He hasn’t shown up,” Joshua repeats himself. Jeonghan quickly gather his things, “I’ll owe you another time, but I’m going home first ok,” Jeonghan said as he quickly leaves Joshua there dumbfounded.   
On the way home Jeonghan has a bad feeling about this, Jeonghan knew, he knew Seungcheol very well to know that he’s just a clumsy person but not this type of clumsy, he doesn’t know why he worries him so much. There’s an uneasy feeling inside of him that churn his stomach unpleasantly. Reaching to his apartment door Jeonghan opened his apartment with the sound of running water from their bathroom, “Cheol? Baby?” He calls out for Seungcheol, Jeonghan walk his way through their bedroom and he sees that the bathroom door is open slightly, “Cheolie?” He walks slowly to the bathroom.   
The sight in front of him sucked away every oxygen in his lungs, weakens every bone in his body, drained every blood in his cells. There lies Seungcheol, His Seungcheol looking pale his head under the water and one pale hand lifelessly hanging on the other side of the tub. Jeonghan slump to his knees looking at the sight. “N-nO,” He wrecks a sob, “B-Baby, Don't- Please, don’t do this to m-me,” He sobs terribly. He drags himself next to the tub, reaching out his boyfriend’s body and let his head lulled back to the tub lifelessly, Jeonghan clutch his boyfriend’s hand, “N-NoO- You’re not leaving me-“ He couldn’t contain it, “Seungcheol- this isn’t funny,” Jeonghan broke another pained sob, “Baby- Please wake up-“ He shakes Seungcheol body still denying the fact he’s leaving him. He reached out his phone calling for Jihoon only letting sobs and chanting of Seungcheol’s name. the next thing was a blur. That day, the doctor announces his death in front of him, Jihoon, Joshua, some other of their closed friends. Jihoon almost launched at Jeonghan if it weren’t because of Soonyoung and Mingyu holding him, “You fucking cheater!! Do you get what you want now?” Jihoon yelled at the top of his lungs at Jeonghan, Joshua tried to comfort him and approaches Jeonghan but immediately pushed away by him. “Don’t fucking touch me.” he said with a waver in his voice, glassy eyes and pained look. Going back to their apartment Jeonghan can’t help to broke down and cry. Looking to his tableside there’s a letter and box. He opened the letter knowing so damn well it’ll only break his heart even more. 

Jeonghanie,   
I am sorry…   
I’m sorry.. for not being able to love and cherish you like how you wanted. I’m sorry you have to know it this way, I love you, thousand times I love you.   
It was 2 weeks after your birthday I decided to surprise you when I saw you with him, with Joshua.  
That night when I saw you with him. I should be mad, I was mad, I was so ready to jump on him, beat the shit out of him, but then I heard your laugh, I saw how your eyes twinkle when you smiled. I hardly can even put a smile on your face nowadays. then I realized how I’ve been such an ass boyfriend.   
I feel like I’m such a burden, I'm holding you back from your happiness, don't I?   
It's alright now, maybe I was too greedy for your love that I end up losing it.   
I’m sorry too for always coming home late, after knowing about Josh, I tried to dive myself into work more so that maybe I could forget and come back to how we used to. But you keep on coming home later with a linger of his perfume, I hated you, I hated both of you, I want to scream “how could you” so badly, but then I realized it should be “how dare you” to myself, how dare I try to inveigh your happiness. I’m so fucking selfish to only wanting you for myself when I know I have lost you…   
Do you still remember that promise ring you’ve always wanted?   
I’m sorry for always coming home late, it’s a late apologize but the reason why I always pile myself with work was to get you that ring, and maybe, just maybe asked you to marry me. But it’s cliche, right? I was so into getting the things you want but ending up losing you. I know you’re already happy with Josh.. but it’s a waste to not buy it, at least let this ring be a goodbye from me, this is the ring, right? The silver one with a diamond crust? I hope you don’t mind receiving it so late.   
It’s okay now… you don’t have to feel bad, Hannie-ya, If Joshua is your happiness then I told myself to let you go.   
So promise me, Hannie, you’ll be the happiest man alive with him.   
By this, I’m letting you and my selfishness go,   
Goodbye Jeonghan,  
I love you, for the last time, I truly do,  
Seungcheol 

Jeonghan slump again on the floor he’s a crying mess at the moment. He wanted to scream, he feels like he just died too along with Seungcheol. The guilt for not trusting and always nagging him. The suffocating feeling that choked him. He can’t breathe...

On a Saturday evening, the funeral held, Jeonghan stand behind everyone alone after the news spread out Joshua stand next to him. Jihoon, Seungcheol’s best friend look at him with a disgusted look. When everyone left, Joshua excuses himself. Jihoon approaches him, “I hope you get what you want,” He said with full of hatred. “Do you think I’m happy like this?” He had enough of everyone looking at him like that, he had enough of bearing the pain alone. “I killed my boyfriend, technically I did, didn’t I?” He let out a shaky breath. “Do you think, I’m just another slut in his life that plays around behind his back?” as ironic as that sounds, he has his reasons. “I love him, more than anything in the world,” He said that out loud for the first time after thinking he’s falling out of love for months now. “I always do, I love him too much that I can tell or I thought I know how we’re falling out of love, I’m too scared to ask and worst hear him saying that he's tired of me, so selfishly I find someone to replace him one day, at least to prepare myself when I lose him,” tears already streaming down his face. "I'm too fucking in love with him that I know I never deserve him in the first place, maybe that's why I did it, because I know one day he'll realize I'm not the right one for him, but at the same time.. I am too fucking scared to let him go cause-" Jeonghan chokes on his sobs, "Cause his my fucking life... I love him too much even if I tried to date 5 guys in a month, I still can’t forget his arms around my waist, the softest smile he put every morning, the small kisses between good mornings, his soft skin, his long lashes that would brush my cheeks every time he kissed my cheek. I- I can never love someone as much as love him, So don’t you dare to say, I’m happy, my only happiness is in Seungcheol, my ability to be happy died along him, maybe you won’t understand and will never understand how can I say that when I cheated on him right?” He snorts, “it's alright, I hate myself too for that, so there you go, I can’t even love myself,” Jihoon stare to the ground, “Seungcheol does, he loves everything about you, even when you cheated on him,” He looks up to the older, “I might never understand your relationship, but I know he loves you more than he loves himself. I’m sorry for that Jeonghan-Hyung,” by that he dismisses himself and left, Jeonghan approach his lover’s grave.   
“Can’t you see how much I love you now?” Jeonghan let another tear slid down his pretty pale face. “I’m such a selfish person,” He snorts at himself, “how can you still love this selfish person? I never deserve any of your love,” He put the flower down, “I can’t even love myself, I’m sorry, I- I love you, I still do,” he looks at the promise ring set on his right ring finger.   
“Rest well my love, I will always love you,”   
3 years later,   
The blonde man walking through the quiet cemetery with a bouquet of flower and a silver diamond crust ring on his right ring finger stop in front of a certain named grave, the man been visiting this certain grave for a regular twice a week for 3 years now.   
Jeonghan put down the flower on top as he crouches down, “How are you today baby?” he smiled with glassy eyes, he can never stop crying when it comes to Seungcheol. “I’ve been feeling like hell, without you I can never get through a good day,” he lets a teardown. “When will you meet me again? Why are you so selfish?” he sobs again, Jeonghan tired of crying but he’s more tired of not having Seungcheol by his side.   
“I tried to look for someone just like what Jihoon said, I tried honey, but I can’t they’re not you, they don’t have the same soft dimple smile, they don’t have the same warmth like your arms, they don’t have the same gummy smile, and they can never kiss me with love as much as you.” His tears running like a waterfall. he can still feel his heartbreaking every time he looked at the tombstone written with his ex-lover name engraved on it. “I love you, baby, Happy 5th year,” Jeonghan walked away from the cemetery with the same broken heart 3 years ago.   
November 2020,   
Jeonghan found dead in the same tub as Seungcheol leaving a letter and an empty box of ring as the ring still seated on the latter's right ring finger.


End file.
